intern era.

Bismillah, 

Aku tahu sekarang dah tak de orang dah nak baca blog. Jadi niat aku menulis ni sekadar untuk tatapan diri aku di masa-masa akan datang. Sebab siapa lagi kalau bukan aku yang nak tulis pasal diri aku, ye dak? Orang kat biografi gituh. but mine punya bukan biography, its bio-lah-ke-dia. gituh. 

Jadi hari ini (10 Julai 2023, 1.42 am), aku nak bercerita? maybe?

I just can't believe this blog witnessed from the day, I'm struggling with my high school era, to the intern era. demmit. That long? Allahuakbar. 

This path, this journey indeed long and full of up and down. Dan aku berada di era aku yang jatuh, sedih, sendiri dan penuh dengan kekecewaan. Aku dulu bayangkan aku umur 25, akan jadi macam blogger-blogger yang aku kenali dulu dekat sini. Which is I look up at them a lot! At the age of 25, they travel,study, get partner, finish the degree and get a stable job. 

Never ever come across in my mind that I will sit here, at the age of 25, wondering where should I intern, wondering when I will save up my money? When I will buy everything using my own money? A lot of wondering to the point I belittle myself and effort so much. I know like let's enjoy this journey, but at the same time, I'm not gonna lie that this lonely feeling and pressure because of my surroundings.

Everything is far from what I have planned. 

Like since the day I planned I move out from Maahad. Ever since that day, everything has changed. Back then my idea was, to go to MRSM and score, building networking and thriving success so that my sisters can look up to me. Like dang, I want to be like kakak one day! But I don't think that's how I look now. I look like a messed up sister who can't do anything. 

A sudden switch from Maahad to MRSM and another school really got me. Mentally bullied, toxic environment, and cultured shock, that one got me jatuh terduduk. She was 16. Oh, I forgot at the age of 13 also I got the trauma from the hostel. That thought was really terrifying. Maybe I can write all of the detail at another time. 

(Now bila aku dah tulis macam ni balik, no wonder lah umur 25 aku MDD with anxiety. Like the whole journey of my life semua menakutkan, buatkan aku jadi asyik berfikir, buatkan aku asyik terkenang kisah lama. All these things happen lead me to here. A girl full of unhealing scars.)

I guess I need to write this thing somewhere, so that I can remember why I'm like this, instead of comparing myself with everyone.

Walaupun hati ni nak juga lah dengar nasihat-nasihat orang berpengalaman. Supaya tak lakukan kesalahan dan juga tidak menyesal di kemudian hari. Tapi pada aku, kalau aku tak buat benda tu, macam mana aku nak tahu aku akan menyesal atau tidak? Kalau aku tak cuba macam mana aku nak tahu aku mampu ke tidak kan? Mungkin nasihat boleh di dengar tapi ia bukan ubat untuk segalanya. Like kalau sesuai guna if not let me learn from my mistakes. 

Selagi mana kita bernama manusia, kita tidak akan lari dari kesalahan dan penuh dengan kelemahan. 

Oh, dah lari dah dengan tajuk aku pada awalnya tadi. Nak cerita pasal intern era, tapi okay lah kot. Ni mukaddimah intern era. Lagipun aku tak de apa sangat nak cerita pasal intern ni lagi, sebab aku belum start intern. 

Aku sepatutnya tulis email kepada company. Aku tahu ni macam alasan je gunakan anxiety aku. but supposely aku send last week lagi. Allahummayassir wallatuassir. Aku memang kena ambil ubat aku. Kalau tak aku tahu lah macam mana aku ni nanti. Makin teruk agaknya.

Moga jumpa tempat yang sesuai dan terbaik untuk aku nanti. Amin ya rab!

Nite!

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